Am I Drinking My Own Kool-Aid?
Have you ever believed yourself to be advancing spiritually and then you have an experience that seems to prove otherwise?
Something took hold of me. That’s the best way I can describe it. But I’d be lying if I told you that I would do it differently tomorrow. I have always been very protective of my time. So, not a surprise that I would get angry about giving up an afternoon to drive my adult daughter to a distant appointment.
Joseph Campbell was talking to Bill Moyers about the demands of modern life. He said something like: we are continually engaged in perfunctory activities that we HAVE to do rather than things we feel called to do.
I’ve been aware of this since my twenties and have done everything to guard against it. Even when my mother was dying in a nursing home, I visited her no less than twice a week but didn’t let it interfere with writing my novel. I once left my wife in the hospital to attend a twice-monthly writing group.
It was the anger that frightened me — an anger that had been brewing all morning unrelated to giving up my afternoon.
My theory is this: advancing spiritually threatens the ego and anger ensues. Outsized anger may actually show that progress is being made.
What do you think? Am I drinking my own Kool-Aid?
There are no straight lines I'm aware of to becoming "above all that". As I write, I'm haunted by all the creative plans I'd set for myself on this day without obligations. But then -- pooof! -- an obligation shows up. I could say NO. But then I'll be haunted otherwise all day by the recognition that I'm a selfish (fill in your preferred obscenity). Ignoring my willfully entered state of sharing duties and time with those you love requires making room for stuff that can make you feel that "I haven't done shit" feeling in the pit of your stomach. I'll just have to remind myself that the path of living alone was one that would not have worked for me, revise my plans and hope I get some semi-acceptable fraction of what I wanted to do done.
Love the honesty Robert! It really pisses off the ego!!
I think we’re all drinking the cool aid in some way- hopefully we’re aware of it and observing it, drinking much less as time goes by….