At dinner last night with five companions at a restaurant, I repeated an off-color joke.
One of my female friends interjected, “That’s sexist!” Of course, she was right and I admitted it, duly humbled.
Shame radiated through my body like a contagious disease. I felt an impulse to defend or exculpate myself. The guilt merged and burgeoned with the surfacing of past instances when I’d unconsciously revealed a character flaw and felt severe self-reproach. But rather than try some lame vindication, attempt a fatuous mea culpa, or clam up in silent distress, I focused on releasing the shame.
This is a new trick I’m mastering in which I set an emotion free to go where it wants without interfering in any way. As the feeling releases, it often manifests as a headache, but that’s alright. The headache doesn’t last and I see it as a sign that the emotion is on its way out.
There are a lot of good things about this technique. It reinforces the truth that I have no control about what people think of me. Much better to cleanse what’s going on inside. On top of that, it’s boring and futile to try to change someone’s impression. And the only reason I’d attempt that is because I’m feeling uncomfortable. Why not go right at the problem?
Some might claim that the “problem” was the sexism of my joke. Okay. But my experience is that I never learn anything through self-condemnation. Somehow, when I indulge in attack no lessons ever really make it through.
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It's so easy to say the wrong thing these days. Glad you've found a constructive way to handle it!
I vaguely remember it 😂