Better to Give than Receive: Why don't I Get it?

Secret: I'm not okay inside.

All of the spiritual teachings say that giving is better than getting. But that’s not helpful unless I feel it in my bones.

Take last night. I gave my talk, “How Writers Create Fiction from their Lives,” at Irvington Library in Westchester County. I’ve given over 20 such talks this summer at libraries in five states.

This one was particularly rewarding because some folks attending had actually read CLOWN SHOES. The librarian arranged this. So, people knew the book, they were plugged in, some had even read my NY Times piece, and watched me on YouTube. I sold a couple of books — it would have been more if most didn’t already own one. Good — my ego got what it wanted: interest, recognition, sales.

But there have been events when only two people showed, I gave my presentation, and sold nothing. At these junctures, I’ve felt emptiness, disappointment. But what about better to give than receive? I still got to give, but I didn’t receive much — maybe a word of praise. That wasn’t good enough.

I do actually enjoy giving these talks. But my mind insists that certain elements be present: five or more people; expressions of interest; questions from the audience; and yes, book sales. Three or more sales and I’m conditionally happy. Two ain’t bad. Anything less is a dud. Record is six.

Why doesn’t my mind get it that it’s better to give than receive? Why do all these trappings need be present?

The real answer: Because I’m not okay inside. I need the interest, recognition, and sales to feel okay. So, how can anyone be a giver when they are looking for validation? Not possible.

When I don’t get what I want from such an event, my mind sometimes tries to make me feel better. “This is great practice,” it will say. “You’re getting better and better at this.” It tries to convince me that I am getting something.

I don’t have the answers. All I know is that giving these talks is an interesting spiritual practice.

(By the way, whoever wrote the anonymous new review of Clown Shoes on Amazon. Thanks!)

By the way, I’m offering two separate promotions:

#1: Get three people to subscribe (free) to Clown Shoes Tour and I’ll send you my novel, Clown Shoes, book and postage paid by me.

OR

#2: If you’ve read and liked Clown Shoes, leave an Amazon review of Clown Shoes, and I’ll send you a copy of Clown Shoes, book and postage paid by me, to gift a friend.

https://www.amazon.com/Clown-Shoes-Robert-Markowitz/dp/1956474307

After completing #1 or #2, simply email me at smwtco@aol.com and claim the book. I’ll send it to you lickety-split.

Photo by Photos by Lanty on Unsplash